


just want to feel (un)lost

by haemophilus



Series: Transcendental Youth [1]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Coming of Age, Gay Male Character, Gen, Heteronormativity, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Internalized Homophobia, Misogyny, Period-Typical Homophobia, Slurs, Terrible People Being Terrible, gratuitous 90s references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-17 00:39:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haemophilus/pseuds/haemophilus
Summary: Mac from 15 to 19 facing down one of life's most formidable opponents: heteronormativity.





	1. 15 (1991)

**Author's Note:**

> Blanket content warning for alcohol/drug use and abuse, homophobic slurs, casual misogyny, and general homophobia. Mac is a very confused man who is also a very bad man. I don't endorse anything he says or does etc.
> 
> Ships and characters will update as I add them.

It was pitch black in Schmitty’s broom closet, and hot as hell. Drunk laughter, yelling, and loud rap music muffled the conversation that Mac’s friends were having outside the door. They were trying to decide who to send in to be Mac’s partner in ‘Seven Minutes in Heaven.’ His palms sweated as they deliberated for what felt like hours. Finally, the door opened, and a pretty, redheaded girl – Rosie, from his algebra class – walked inside. Before the door shut, Dennis grinned and gave him a thumbs-up.

Rosie stepped closer to him, and grabbed his hand. She smelled like cheap, flowery perfume and the skunky weed Mac brought to the party. His stomach clenched.

“Have you ever done this before?” she whispered in his ear.

Mac swallowed, heart pounding. “Oh yeah. Tons of times,” he lied. “You?”

“A couple of times, but I didn’t go very far,” said Rosie. Her hand moved to the back of Mac’s neck, and she threaded her fingers in his hair.

“How far did you go with the other guys?” Mac asked. Rosie’s other hand moved down to his hip.

“Just making out. I’m not a slut like everyone thinks,” she said.

“Really? I heard you boned two dudes in Ricky Falcone’s hot tub,” said Mac.

Rosie laughed. “I heard you puked on Ricky Falcone’s bed.”

“Next to his bed!” exclaimed Mac. “There is a clear difference –”

“It’s all the high school rumor mill,” said Rosie, cutting him off. “I don’t believe everything I hear.” She stepped closer to Mac, and kissed him.

Rosie’s lips were soft on his own. She tucked her fingers into the back of his jeans. Mac closed his eyes, and wrapped his arm around her waist. Rosie’s tongue slid into his mouth; she sighed as she deepened the kiss.

There was hardly any kissing in the porn videos that he watched with Charlie and Dennis, and now Mac understood why. Kissing was really _boring_. The unfamiliar taste of someone else’s spit in his mouth was disgusting. Clearly, kissing on the mouth was some weird emotional bullshit invented by girls that guys only did to get them into bed. He pulled away.

“I think our time is up,” said Mac. He wiped his mouth with the back of his palm. “We should probably get back to the party.”


	2. 16 (1992)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for the q slur.

Mac was sitting on the floor of his bedroom, hunched over the October 1993 issue of Men’s Health. He had swiped it from a rack at the grocery store after conning his way into a pack of cigs for his mom. A blonde, sweaty, and tanned man stared at him from the cover. Next to him the magazine said: " _STRONG NOW and FOREVER! Custom workouts for every body type!”_ Just what Mac needed – something perfectly tailored to his body to make him more bigger.

He touched his right eye absentmindedly, and winced. It was still bruised up from a fight he’d gotten in the week before. One of the asshole wrestlers was still calling him and Charlie ‘queers’ for giving the whole team ringworm. Mac had yelled back in frustration, “Wanna go?”

As it turned out, the wrestler really was itching for a fight – and not the kind that was scheduled after school in the parking lot. He socked Mac in the eye right in the middle of the hallway before Mac could even get into fighting stance. What a fucking asshole. Obviously, Mac had no choice but to tell on him to the principal afterwards.

What he hadn’t known was that fighting words would get him suspended too. Well – no way was he getting suspended for such an uncool reason next time. No, he was going to become the hardest beefcake imaginable, and beat anyone into oblivion who dared to blink at him the wrong way.

He scanned the table of contents to figure out the page with the workouts. Mac skimmed past ads and health articles until he got to page 52 and... huh. He must’ve misread the table of contents; this wasn’t the workout section.

**How to Become a Sex Object**

Normally, Mac didn’t read this section. His romantic advice was filtered through Dennis, who consumed these articles with religious fervor and figured out the best advice through trial and error. However, Dennis had been striking out left and right lately, which meant Mac was too. Maybe he could take someone else’s advice for once.

The first person who gave advice sounded like a real weenie. His ‘great idea’ involved trying to act all charming and delighted to be in women’s company and shit – awful. In Mac’s experience, all women were the worst. Maybe some guys could fake interest in women’s lives, but that wasn’t Mac’s style. He moved on to guy #2 to see if he had any better advice.

_“Being a sex object has nothing to do with romance. Pretend you’re the roadrunner and just go for it. No pretenses, no flowers, no romance and wine. Just “Beep, beep” and blue skies!”_

Now that was something Mac hadn’t tried. Dennis had told him that asking a girl to bang right away wasn’t the way to go, but what did he know? He didn’t have to have the same style as Dennis; he was his own man.

Mac rooted around in his backpack and pulled out a pen. He circled the advice of guy #2. Then he stuck the pen in his mouth, and sucked on it thoughtfully.

No more romance. How about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the cover of the October 1993 Men's Health magazine: http://backissues.com/issue/Mens-Health-October-1993
> 
> I realize that I changed the title of the article Mac wants to read. I have a very simple explanation for this. I did it because I wanted to.


	3. 17 (1993)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here thar be porn. Content warning for underage - both of the characters are 17 so I don't think it should be an issue but just in case. . .there's the warning. Also content warning for characters passed out from being too drunk (though not the characters who are having sex) and a mention of 17 year old Dennis being super creepy with a 14 year old girl.
> 
> Also the title of this fic is from (Un)lost by The Maine. Because American Candy is a great album that everyone should listen to forever.
> 
> I finally figured out Sunny's timeline and I'm stupid amounts of proud of myself. So, FYI, this takes place in 1993.

It was three am in the hotel room that Dennis had rented for the prom after party, and everyone was fucking _plastered_. A handful of people Mac didn’t know, Charlie, and Dennis were all passed out and drooling on the floor. Across the room from him on the couch, Dennis’s date was scowling as she sipped on her beer. She and Mac were the only two people who were awake; apparently, she wasn’t drunk enough to fall asleep either.

“That was a pretty great party,” said Mac as he leaned back on the huge stack of pillows on the bed. Dennis’s date scoffed.

“Yeah, if you call your date being a total skeez the whole night ‘great,’” she said.

“That’s just Dennis,” said Mac. “He plays the field. Kinda comes with the territory. You can’t take it personal.”

Dennis’s date took another sip of her beer. “He tried to fuck me in the bathroom after grinding on my fourteen-year-old sister.”

Mac scrunched up his nose in disgust. “Yeah. He’s kinda gross sometimes.”

“I thought if we went to prom together that I’d get a better reputation,” she said, putting down her beer on the coffee table. “He’s not cool but, you know. He knows cool people.”

Mac huffed out a laugh. “You chose the wrong guy to ask to prom. I’ve been hanging out with Dennis for years and the best reputation I’ve got is the school drug dealer. I mean, I like that people think I’m mysterious and hard, but –”

“Is that how you think people see you?” asked Dennis’s date. Her face lit up, eyes crinkling into a huge smile. It would be cute if Mac wasn’t sure that she was insulting him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he said.

Dennis’s date shook her head, still smiling. “Don’t worry. It’s not an insult. It’s just funny that you don’t know that you’re cute.”

“Oh,” said Mac, taken aback. “Really?”

Dennis’s date got up from the couch, and sat down on the bed. Mac’s heart started pounding. He looked over at Dennis, still out cold on the floor. Dennis’s date curled her legs up behind her, and touched Mac’s face with her small, dainty hands.

“Really,” she said, and kissed him. He pulled away when she stuck her tongue in his mouth. Gross.

“Can you kiss my neck instead?” he asked. “It just seems kinda wrong to kiss on the mouth since you’re not my date.”

Miraculously, the lie worked. She kissed down his chin, onto his neck, and over his collar bone. He reached behind her to unzip her slinky dress. Dennis’s date shimmied out of it, and threw it on the floor.

“God, I’m so glad to be out of that dress,” she said. “It was so fucking uncomfortable.”

“You have great tits,” said Mac in admiration. “All big and round. Like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.”

She blushed. “Wanna see em naked?”

“Sure!” said Mac.

Dennis’s date removed her bra, and dropped it on the floor. “Like what you see?”

Mac reached out, and rolled her nipples around between his thumb and forefinger like he’d seen in porn. She gasped, and Mac smiled.

“You’re really pretty,” he said.

“And you’re wearing way too many clothes,” she said. Dennis’s date made quick work of unbuttoning his ratty dress shirt; it too ended up on the floor. He unbuttoned his pants, and slid those off too. The air became thick with tension; they were almost fully naked.

Mac swallowed and said, “Do you like what you see too?”

“Definitely,” she said. Dennis’s date locked eyes with him, pulled down his underwear, licked her hand suggestively, and started stroking his dick. With her other hand, she swished her long, blonde hair over her shoulder. It fell in messy curls around her angular face. Mac realized why Dennis had chosen her as his date – she looked like a younger version of his favorite Playboy Bunny. He had seen Dennis jack off to that woman more times than he could count, face red and screwed up in concentration as he raced towards his climax.

 _“Porn is a very important part of sexual maturation,”_ Dennis had said as he rolled his balls around in his hand. _“You need to figure out who looks good and what feels good. You gotta be able to tell your ideal woman exactly how to pleasure you. Now try running your thumb over the head. Feels good, right? Good.”_

“Run your thumb over the head,” Mac moaned as he got hard. Dennis’s date complied, running her thumb over the head before pulling down again and again and again –

He closed his eyes, allowing the pleasure to consume him. His heart pounded in his ears as his climax approached.

“I’m gonna cum,” he said through gritted teeth. She sped up her strokes in response, and with a raspy gasp he spilled into her hand.

Mac opened his eyes, and looked up at Dennis’s date. They panted heavily as the sexual tension left the air. She wiped her hand off on the bedspread, and flopped down onto the bed. As the heat radiated off of Mac’s body, discomfort settled in his stomach. His least favorite part – she was going to want to talk. He turned his head, bracing for impact.

Her eyes were closed, and she was breathing heavily. Mac breathed a sigh of relief. He got off the bed, picked up his clothes, and put them back on. Then, he went over to the couch, and sat down.

Tomorrow, Mac was going to lie and say he’d gone to sleep as early as the others. Tomorrow, Mac was going to drink a beer for breakfast and probably lunch too. Tomorrow, Mac wasn’t going to think about how the other guys seemed so excited to talk and laugh with their dates at prom when all of the girls seemed so boring.

Mac finished off the beer Dennis’s date had been drinking before they banged. Then he laid down on his side, and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to go finish writing my lit review now lol #noragrets hope you guys liked it.


	4. 18 (1994)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned into 1000 words. I dunno why either. Anyway, Mac is an asshole so content warning for canon-typical usage of the words 'retarded' 'spastic' and 'homo.' Also content warning for mention of use of inhalants and weed, attempted theft, and vaguely derogatory comments about gay people with HIV/AIDS. 
> 
> Basically Mac and Charlie go to a Blockbuster, discuss the movie Philadelphia, and steal shit.

 “Dude, can you hurry up? I’m coming down over here waiting for you to pick this thing out,” said Charlie. He leaned onto a fragile cardboard cutout of Indiana Jones, and nearly knocked it over. Mac glared at him.

“Go outside and huff some more glue if you can’t be patient,” said Mac.

“Glue doesn’t help you become more patient, Mac. I mean, if anything, it’s making waiting for you a lot worse,” said Charlie.

Mac sighed, and continued walking down the aisle. “Charlie, I can’t just pick any old movie to watch. This is high-quality weed I scored. I don’t want to ruin our high by picking the wrong thing.”

“Yeah, and we’re already in the ‘P’ section, man. Just pick _Predator_ like always and let’s get out of here,” said Charlie.

“I don’t always pick _Predator_ ,” grumbled Mac.

“You totally do, dude. I dunno why you don’t just buy it,” said Charlie. He attempted to lean into another cardboard cutout, but Mac pulled him back by the wrist.

“How are you this spastic all the time?”

Charlie gritted his teeth. “I’m just bored, ok?!”

“Ok! Ok,” said Mac. “Jesus. I’ll pick something. But it won’t be _Predator_.”

“Oh my god. I don’t care!” said Charlie.

Mac scanned the wall, actually paying attention to which films were there this time. He really had been planning on renting _Predator_ just like always. However, they had been caught sneaking onto the SEPTA on their way here, and it had cost him $4 because Charlie was even more broke than he was and couldn’t afford his own ticket. He had wanted to make the most of his money by spending a lot of time in here. Mac checked his watch; it had only been about ten minutes. Goddammit. He needed to stall for at least another five.

“Why don’t you go steal some munchies for us?” whispered Mac.

Charlie’s face broke into a huge grin. “Oh, dude. Yes! What kind?”

“Whatever kind As much as your pockets can carry. Just go for gold,” said Mac. Charlie saluted him, and Mac rolled his eyes. “Don’t be retarded about it.”

His friend scurried away to the popcorn and candy section, and Mac breathed a sigh of relief. Mac didn’t usually trust Charlie with stealing the goods because Charlie wasn’t as good at stealing as he was. However, Charlie was an okay thief, and this video store didn’t have great cameras. They’d probably make it out with no trouble at all.

As Mac looked at the wall again, one film finally caught his eye. Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington were on the cover with a big gavel in between them _._ The cover advertised that the film’s Oscar winning song was sung by Bruce Springsteen. Plus, the director was the person who directed that terrifying cannibal movie he’d seen last Halloween with Charlie. To top off all of this awesomeness, the movie was called _Philadelphia_. He grabbed the VHS with gusto, and turned it over to see what it was about.

_When a man with HIV is fired by his law firm because of his condition, he hires a homophobic small-time lawyer as the only willing advocate for a wrongful dismissal suit._

Mac’s hand clenched around the VHS tape. He marched over to Charlie with a deep sense of betrayal settling in his stomach.

“Did you know that Tom Hanks was in a gay AIDS movie?” he said, showing the film to his friend. Charlie ripped open a bag of gummy worms, and ate one.

“Was he? Good for him,” said Charlie. He held out a gummy worm. “Want one? The cashier, like, isn’t paying attention at all. I think he’s high too.”

Mac looked over at the cashier. The cashier met eyes with him, and yawned. Mac took the gummy worm, and bit off its head.

“That’s not ‘good for him,’” said Mac as he chewed. “Tom Hanks is supposed to be a hilarious badass who dances on pianos and plays baseball with Madonna. There’s nothing badass about being gay or having AIDS.”

Charlie took the film from his hand. “I dunno. This film looks pretty badass, dude. It’s got a big hammer on the front and a cool looking black guy too.”

“That’s the gay agenda,” said Mac, taking the film back from him forcefully. “They try to trick you by getting badass people like Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington to support their cause and before you know it you’re trapped into watching a gay AIDS movie.

“You could watch another movie instead,” said Charlie. He shoved the gummy worms into his pants pocket, and sucked sour sugar crystals off of his index finger.

“That’s not the point. I just don’t get why they would make this movie at all,” said Mac.

“Maybe gay people with AIDS wanna watch a movie that has them in it,” said Charlie, shrugging.

“Well, they should use their own actors to make one. Not Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington,” said Mac.

Charlie sighed. “I’m really coming down now, man. Do you want to watch this movie or not?”

“Of course not!” said Mac.

“Okay, then. Go get _Predator_ like we both know you want, and let’s get out of here,” said Charlie. He ripped open another candy bar, and took a bite.

“You guys had better be paying for all that candy you’re tearing through,” said the cashier in a monotone voice. Mac looked down, and saw all the wrappers littered around Charlie’s feet.

“Charlie! How much candy have you eaten?”

“I dunno. You said ‘take as much as you can carry’ but I ran out of room so I just started eating it,” said Charlie.

“This is like thirty bucks worth of candy!” said Mac. “I don’t have the money to pay for this.”

Charlie’s eyes grew big. “Oh shit. What do we do?”

 “Run!” he cried. Mac threw the VHS at the cashier as a distraction, grabbed Charlie by the wrist, and ran out of the store as fast as his legs could carry him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that in The Olde Days that Philadelphia and Predator would probably be sorted differently in the movie store i.e. since Predator is much older it would be off the wall and Philadelphia as a new film would be on the wall but I liked this thematically so I changed it anyway.
> 
> This gave me very fond memories of the movie stores I went to growing up. I grew up in a small town so one of them is actually still open and it has like a really distinct smell? I can't remember if the other ones I went to growing up had that smell but if I remember correctly they did too. Hit me up if you also remember that old video store smell.


	5. 19 (1995)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for q slur, homophobic remarks, misogynistic remarks, and mention of life-threatening alcohol intoxication. Mac is a bad person with a lot of issues and they're all here. I mean, this series is going on 13K so I'm sure everyone who has gotten this far is on the same page about this by now but ya never know.

“Wow. That guy is flaming,” muttered Sully when the bell tinkled, signaling a new customer. Mac looked away from pretending to straighten cigarettes on the wall to see the boy Sully was talking about. He was a teenager, lanky and thin with a deep V-neck shirt and tight jeans. Pink sunglasses rested in his hair, and it was clear he was wearing lip gloss. The boy sashayed towards the cooler, and scanned the corner with the girly health drinks. Mac smirked.

“Oh yeah. Total queer,” he said. As the kid came over to ring up his purchases, Mac turned around and pretended to straighten the cigarettes again.

“That’ll be $5.59,” said Sully. He put cash into the register, and handed the kid his receipt.

“Thanks,” he said in a high, girlish voice. He grabbed his drink, and walked out. Mac turned away from the wall to look at Sully.

“Jesus Christ, dude,” said Mac. Sully leaned against the counter, a wicked grin on his face.

“Right? Fuck, I’ve never seen someone that gay in North Philly before!”

“Me neither, man,” said Mac. “You’d think in this part of town he’d know to keep it to himself.”

Sully ran his fingers through his short, brown hair, ruffling it to keep it from sticking to his head. The Wawa’s air conditioner had sputtered out two weeks before, and their manager was too cheap to get it fixed.

“Maybe he doesn’t know how to not act so gay,” said Sully.

Mac huffed out a laugh. “I dunno how you can get through elementary school without learning what gets your ass kicked on the playground.”

“I dunno, man,” said Sully. “Things are changing. Rich liberals are taking over America and feeding their kids bullshit. You hear they wanna let gays into the military now?”

“What?! That’s bullshit!” said Mac.

“I know!” said Sully.

“How the hell are queers gonna be able to even pay attention to bullets when they’re surrounded by people they wanna sleep with all the time?” said Mac.

“Right? It makes no sense!” said Sully. He grinned. “I’m so glad you started working here. You make my shifts way less boring.”

“I’ve been feeling the same way! The coworkers at my last job were the pits.” said Mac. He walked over to the counter, and leaned on it next to Sully. Mac sighed as some of the pain receded from his feet.

“I know that life. What was their deal?” asked Sully.

“It was a restaurant and everyone – managers, waitresses, hostesses – all bitches. The only other dude was this 40-year-old dishwasher named Ted who smelled like funyuns,” said Mac.

“Yikes,” said Sully. “Sounds rough. Did any of the girls put out at least?”

Mac nodded. “A few of em. They were all kinda ugly though so it wasn’t that great.”

“Hey, any pussy is good pussy,” said Sully. “You made the best of a bad situation. How’d you leave? Was it awesome?”

He had passed out drunk while clearing tables. Mac woke up in the hospital with clothes covered in spaghetti, a pumped stomach, and a pink slip.

“Oh yeah. It was super badass,” Mac lied. “I flipped my manager the bird and stormed out.”

Sully held out his hand for a high five. “Classic!”

He reciprocated the high five, elated that the lie had worked. Sully was the coolest guy Mac had known in a long time. He rode his skateboard to work, and often showed Mac tricks after their shift was over. His body was toned in all the right places, and girls flirted with him constantly. He had a God-given winning smile that could make the toughest customer happy. Sully was funny and edgy and he always knew the right movie to quote. Most importantly, they were around the same age, and Sully didn’t smell like funyuns. In fact, if Mac could bottle up how awesome Sully smelled, he’d pour it all over himself to try and become as cool as Sully was.

So maybe keeping this friendship alive involved some half-truths about his drinking and drugs and work history. They were still new; there would be time for the full truth way down the line.

“Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do,” said Mac.

Sully grinned. “So awesome. God – I never do this because I hate most of my coworkers, but do you want to go to a movie sometime? Tonight, maybe? You just seem so cool and I wanna go see that new Brad Pitt movie with a guy.”

 “Hell yeah I do!” said Mac. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The movie Mac and Sully are going to see is Seven.
> 
> I keep writing chapters thinking they are going to be porn and then characters just sort of talk. I promise there will be more porn...........eventually.
> 
> (At least by chapter 7 if you can just hang tight until then)
> 
> Anyway in canon Mac slept with Sully's sister so I wanted to bring in this character for kicks. I might bring him back someday in another fic for like pining and backstabbing and angst and whatever. HMU if you want more Sully.


End file.
